I Have I(rritable)B(owel)S(yndrome)

So, the American Red Cross has a fancy machine that has a fancy sticker upon it with this fancy slogan:

Possible Blood Spray In This Area

I just found this to be awesome. Anyway, according to THEM, my blood pressure is at 110/70. My conclusion, I can eat salt with impunity. Bring on the chili!!!

Anyway, again, I went to the Trader Joe's yesterday. Got some news for ya'll.

1. They no longer carry raw almonds, or at least they are out and have filled the shelves with more nuts. Has the world gone mad, or insane, or crazy, or maybe something else?

2. Salmon is still expensive. How am I ever going to learn how to cook healthy food that tastes good if my experiments are going to cost me so much. I guess I'll continue my quest to find the right way to fry an egg.

3. Kashi (Good Friends) is now new and improved with:
20% more granola and,
Tastier Twigs!!!!!!!!

Yes, it said this on the box, minus the four year old's punctuation. And let me tell ya what here, them twigs do taste a might bit better. It used to be when I ate Kashi I would eat the flakes and the twigs first, leaving the tasty granola for last. But now, it's just weird, 'cause most of it tastes good. On top of all that it now has 50%, or 150% for Mea, more fiber than before, bringing the grand total to

12 Grams of fiber per cup!!!!!

Needless to say, I am in love. (One down side is that while there may actually be 20% more granola, the individual pieces are smaller, giving a less satisfying crunch and overall granola eating experience. And the increase in fiber may just be the result of an increase in portion size. Oh well, I'm a forgiving man.)

As you may know, I am a cashier. Yup, a master of a computer with a scanner running software developed sometime when...

(Holy crap!!! I just killed a spider in my room and I think it was a black widow!)

...communists were still a perceived threat. (Korea, schmorea.) Also attached to these computers are pads used to collect signatures. Pay with a card and I'll put your receipt on the pad and have you sign it with a handy pen attached to the pad. I leave the pen in a nice litle slot in the pad, a place designed solely to provide a place to rest for out little ink spewing friend.

(Our pens are substantially smaller than octopi.)

Under noraml circumstances you will pick the pen up from it's cradle and sign away. Now, strangely, about 75% of the people who complete these first few steps seem to be under the impression that I want to hold the pen next. They sign me over their little I.O.U. and then hold up the pen for me to take. Why?! What do I want the stupid pen for?!?!?! Put the danged pen back!!! Common sence people. Anyway...

Father's Day went by without any freak outs. Hurrah for me!!!

If you're ever at El Pollo Loco, and someone offers you a tortilla, and you take it, and cover it with pepper, and put some onions on it, and eat it, your tongue will probably not like you for a little while.

As for me, I love going to the bathroom. I especially love what our culture calls "Number 2". I eat lots of fiber; a habit picked up while I had the GERD, gastroesophageal reflux disease. This means that I usually get a good 2 or 3 No. 2's per day. When I can't reach this number, I feel like crap, probably because I am full of it. I also have a tendency to look at my "product". I also picked this up while I was sick. I can judge how well I've been eating when I do this. One time my "product" was covered entirely in blood. This led to a colonoscopy and endoscopy. That was three years ago and was the last time I went to a doctor. It was also the last time I produced some "product" from the end of my alimentary canal usually reserved for consumption. (Not the TB.) Anyway, I love the restroom. The floor of the bathroom in my old house was the most awesome place to sleep when you were sick. Just go in there, take whatever fatastic medication you required, and then just pass out on the floor. See, you could leave the heater, in the ceiling, on so you wouldn't get cold. But you wouldn't get sweaty either 'cause you would be on a cool bathroom floor. Anyway, that is probably more than most really care about. But I do loves me the poop.

So I go to the Spectrum Club, usually twice a week. This is where I do manly things to make myself seem more manly despite my soft skin and ridiculously unmanly eyelashes. Anyway, a while ago Bobby, my hookup, informed me that they serve beer there. At first I thought that this was a weird thing for a health club to do, but it turns out that alot of people like to enjoy a beer after a vigorous game of raquetball. Makes sense, but there is weirder stuff.

Bobby called in Ernesto today to fix the furnace in the steam room. I commented that people who know how to fix things are becoming few and far between. Bobby then informed me that Ernesto doesn't really fall into this category.

"He just comes over here, messes around with stuff, and then smokes pot out back."

Interesting. Turns out that this is not all that uncommon at Spectrum. There is a room, way upstairs, that gets quite a bit of use. Some of the ceiling panels are missing. People get drunk in there and throw the empty cans into the ceiling. There was a half empty Miller Lite up there tonight. But the best part, people shoot up there. There were some syringe tops and a whole slew of antiseptic swabs.

Viva la fitness!!!

Well, I've been movin' my selves and my's things from the Worthy Town of Chats to the Hills that are Granasty. Thus, I haven't been online in a few days. Speaking of Granasty, GHHS Cheerleaders got their pictures taken at Sears, and decided to check me out whilst this was occuring. Good ego boost, but ultimately wasted on someone as timid as me. Oh, and my cousin, who is almost 4 years old now, will probably become the most attractive woman I'll ever meet. Anyway...

If you ever thought, "Hey, I would like to write a Coplandesque melody!", simply hit the black keys on your piano. I think someone needs to teach me how to appreciate Copland. I feel so treasonous about the whole thing. Maybe Americans just aren't my cup of tea.

Don't worry, I'll get the funny back at some point. Stick in there ya'll, it'll be worth it.

So, for all of you who don't know yet, as I originally had thought, back in January, our friend Nick Burns, whom we've all come to not know very well and have probably forgotten about, is not a real person. I like run on sentences.

The June 4th post in my brother's blog is pretty cool.

Stupid Harry Potter, makin' the rest of us orphans look like pathetic, lazy, underachievers.

So, my car insurance policy ends today and switches to a new carrier. Well, to mark the occasion...

Whammo!!!

That is right. Last night was my first automobile accident. No one was hurt. Everyone was insured. All cars still run. So thank God for that.

I think it is time to say goodbye to the Blazer. It spent much of it's life in the care of a Mr. Bob Coster. He goes to my church. The Blazer has been very useful through most of this time. It has probably been to Mexico a good ten times to help build houses for those without. We got the car when my dad had his stroke and we needed a way to get him to the hospital and around in general. It is also likely that he passed away in the car too. The car then died a week later, only to be ressurrected in a few months. It ran okay for a while, but then started to leak some sort of gas. It also has problems with cooling. The window was broken. And now WHAMMO!!! I think I have had enough of this car, and SUVs in general. I don't need that much dangerous power.

Anyway, get your things in order with the Blazer 'cause I don't imagine it will be around much longer. Goodbye old friend. Oh, and you use too much gas, jerk.

For all ya'll out there thinkin' "Andrew's blog is boring lately. I wish he would just do a stupid quiz."


You are a Korg Triton
-You have multi-sampled preset sounds ranging from
opera to bongos and a fancy touch screen
control pannel
-you are f'cking new school
-very modern and hi tech
-you have to have the latest and best of everything
-you think you are better than everyone
-you probably like house or trance or something like
that


what synthesizer are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Awesome. I'm sure that is all immensely interesting to everyone out there, as is every other online quiz. Now when you are trying to explain me to other people, you can just say, "Oh, Andrew is like a Triton". I'm sure this will be very helpful. But don't expect me to explain to you the subtleties of electronic music. I have no clue.

I was lookin' around on the Google for various schools that offer recording programs. I came across an FAQ that stated that USC currently has no recording program. What?!?! As far as I knew it did. Upon closer inspection I discovered that the USC they were talking about was the University of South Carolina. Also, ASU has a program. That would be Appalachian State University. Seriously, we've gotta get the AFABAF in action and start sorting some of this stuff out. Stupid confusitory things.

Peter had a "party" the other day at the apartment he was apartment sitting at. It was quite enjoyable. I use "party" instead of party because it was more of just a get together. I have much more fun at these than at actual parties. See, at real parties the lights are all turned off and everyone is dancing around to ridiculously loud music and is incapable of actually having a conversation. I'm going to start some new lingo now. If you are throwing a party like this and I ask you what kind of party it is, just tell me that it is Helen Keller. Anyway, I think the entire point of this passage was to get to that Helen Keller thing. Anyway, anyway, anyway.

(BTW: Good work Zeke on introducing Eva (Ava?) into the group. With your soon to be residence at the UCLA I expect a constant stream of cute girls from you. Don't let me down here man, or I'll make you eat at TGI Fridays. Man, what a crappy restaurant.)