I Have I(rritable)B(owel)S(yndrome)

Yesterday was amazing… amazingly stupid. I started at Sears, which consisted of me doing the online orientation. Apparently my worker ID number wasn’t ready yet, so the only orientation I got was basic Sears mission statement stuff. I didn’t learn anything about actually doing my job. It was around 5 hours of staring at a computer with an amazingly low refresh rate in a room where the light kept turning off. All this to tell me that Sears wants to build life long customers. On my break I went to the Apple Store and ran Virtual PC on a Power Mac with dual monitors. Lot’s of fun. But now to my real concern…

What happened to the apple juice? (In my house, not at the Apple store)

We bought four gallons of apple juice on Sunday, at 88 cents a piece, but only two have been accounted for. How is it possible to lose two gallons of apple juice? The worst part is that the more I look for it, the less other beverages seem to quench my thirst. Lame. For future reference, if you want to give me a beverage, please select one from the list below.

•Non-fat Milk (Low-fat will do in small quantities and sparse occasion. The addition of chocolate is also much appreciated)

•Water (w/ice, from the tap in LA, Bay Area tap tastes funny, and Catalina water makes me physically ill)

•Dr. Pepper (w/ice, paper cup preferred. Other containers listed in descending quality are glass, plastic cup, glass bottle, plastic bottle, and aluminum can. Other Colas will be drunk if no DP is available, mainly Pepsi and then Coke. No diet. Ever since aspartame was introduced they taste awful. Contrary to the add line, I believe Diet Dr. Pepper tastes the least like the original of any diet soft drink.)

•Apple Juice (chilled)

•Hot Chocolate (w/o ice)

•Soup (cheese flavoured)

If you offer me a drink not on the list, keep in mind that I am afraid of new things, very afraid.

I’m too tired to actually think of something interesting to write, so how ‘bout some stupid light bulb jokes?

How many Surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

Hambone!!!

How many MENSA members does it take to change a light bulb?

One.

How many John Delanceys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Obscure references can’t change light bulbs.

Sorry, that was lame. I start work at Sears tomorrow. I will say that I am excited about that. The smart thing to do would be not to believe me. Hambone!!!

Idiocy often stems from lack of sleep. Last night was a case in point. I hung with Woo till about 4 in the morning. He was working on his Halloween costume, Dr. Wiley from the Mega Man games, and I suppose I was along for moral support or something. Glen also came over for a while. In an attempt to stave off boredom, I started to play the keyboard. In my experimentation I learned that by plugging the keyboard into my Ibanez Super Metal distortion pedal you can get a totally awesome sound. You can then have the keyboard play a 1-5-4 progression over the “Rock Beat” preset, and the result is “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World. I’m sure this will be very useful in the future. Attempts were also made to install and play SimCity 2000 on Woo’s computer. Probably for the good of all, this endeavor was not successful. But I did have a great name picked out. SimAntics. Yup. Idiocy. We also realized that my name follows my stupid “an” theory. A little background is due. My theory is that smart people know how to use the word “an” and often do. Stupid people on the other hand do not properly use it, or use it at all. Thus, the use of the word “an” equates to intelligence. Stupid people know this, but they do not know the rules for correct usage. Thus, intelligent people should use the word “an” as much as possible, even when grammatically incorrect, to display their linguistic adeptitude. An robot. An cow. An brilliant idea. An-drew, not A-drew. Yup. I should sleep more.

My vocabulary in the last blog was pretty pathetic. I blame the LAUSD, and smooth peanut butter. I provided my "sample" for Sears today. At the doctor's office there was a poster warning about BRAIN ATTACK!!! I guess I should watch out for that. After all, I do have a supposedly encapsulated cogenital cyst on my brain stem. It is entirely possible that I have an extraneous tooth or bone or something else in my brain. Maybe that explains why my head is so large. I'm hoping that I just harbor telekinetic powers that have yet to mature. Back to the BRAIN ATTACK!!!, there is history of stroke on both sides of my family, and heart disease from my dad's side. So I guess being forced to bike to school might not be that bad after all. Might keep my BP down and prevent BRAIN ATTACK!!! Speaking of BRAIN ATTACK!!!, I'm listening to Relax 2/to Paris right now. I need to work on my inoffensive pop song writing. Woo is much better at it than I. This "Bobo" crap I write is never gonna pay off. Viva la Chipshot!!! I got another perfect on a music test today. Piano this time. I like to gloat. If I went to the top of Everest and yelled about my greatness, would that be a "mountain gloat". Anyway. It is 4:20 right now. Potheads are funny. I remeber seeing a pick-up truck with a giant pot leaf painted on it with various prochronic slogans on it pulled over by a cop on Telegraph. That was satisfying. It was like a superiority toke for the sober. I am so judgemental. Well, I'm off to make a battle plan for dinner. Probably cheese hotdogs with corn bread. But what will my beverage be? Tune in next time to .....

Tim and I usually go to Woo's house on Monday and Wednesday and drop bones, playing Dr. Mario for those of you out of the loop, during our "lunch" break.Dropping bones actually refers to the Playstation version of Tetris where for some odd reason there is an archeologist climbing up a your pieces and such. Very convoluted. But anyway, today we did not drop bones. We watched "RIKI-OH: The Story of Ricky". Yes, the name is spelled two different ways in the title, and in the movie his last name is actually "Ho". That is the least bizzare thing about the film. It is was made by some of Asian brothers and takes place in a privatized jail in 2001, the future when the film came out. Lots of carnage, exploding fat guys, smashed skulls, guys eviserating themselves and then trying strangle their opponent with their own bowels. Very odd movie. You may have seen part of it before if you used to watch the "Daily Show" back when Kilborn was on. The guys head getting smashed when they did 5 Questions is from the film. I personally think Kilborn does the best interview of all the late night guys. Anyway, very odd movie. I also was reminded that I'm pretty much a wuss when it comes to all that gore stuff. I can handle all the stuff that comes out of me, but watching some guy punch another guy's fist to splinters makes me a bit woozy. Yup. I should stop thinking about this. I'm gonna go practice the piano, or Klavier, as the Germans call it. They capitalize all their nouns. Viva la Deutschland!!!

I had an job interview at Sears yesterday. All I gotta do now is provide them with a sample of my urine and then they will allow me to work as a cashier in some sort of enclosed booth. Hooray for seasonal employment!!! I thought I was going to have to provide a sample yesterday, which would have been a problem since I got to Sears early and decided to use the lavatory. I was tapped out after that. While I was in the bathroom, two different people tried to use the stall that I was in. You'd think that once you tried the door and it didn't open you would just give up and move on to the next stall, but these guys kept trying to open the door for like 10 seconds. Yup. Stupid mall. On a completely unrelated note, I highly recommend watching the "Intimate Look at the Acting Process with Ice Cube" feature on the Three Kings DVD. Superb.

This is mic number one....