Monday, March 22, 2004
Well, today turned out to be somewhat depressing.
Point 1
I went to lunch with my brother, his fiance, and my grandma. It was fine and all, but there was some discussion about my grandparent's will and such. It is good to get everything in order way before it needs to be, but it is still kinda weird. Thinking about the fact that someone you love will one day, probably sooner than you realize, die and you will "benefit" from it is an odd feeling. It is really weird to think that for most of the time my dad was alive we were on the cusp of slipping into poverty, but now I don't really have to worry about money for a good long while. At least with the way I've become accustomed to spending it. This has occasionally been called "blood money" by me. I know, people out there are probably going to tell me not to think like that and to just appreciate whatever good that happened to come out of so much pain, but the brain don't work like that. This is one of those things that you really have no clue about until it hits you right in the face.
Point 2
Don't read any more into this one than what you see. Being around my brother and his fiance is good, but it does make me feel like I could be doing a lot better if I had someone right now. I know, everyone is like, "Wow, you're a strong person to have gone through what you have and still manage to be so... (insert half hearted compliment)." Turns out that "strength" is a kinda lonely thing. Right now I would really rather have some vulnerability and intimacy than strength.
Point 3
Seeing people with their parents, or talking with them, or talking about them, or relying on them at all, makes me feel really weird. I guess for me it has become the natural state of things in my mind. My parents are dead. I can't change that. I will never get a chance to be in a different situation. Thus, to me, I feel normal, and it seems like everyone else is bizarre. And yes, sometimes I feel jealous. Sometimes I feel superior. Sometimes I just want to get the Hell away from families.
Point 4
For some reason the subject of Paul Bailey was brought up today. He was a kid at Darby, my first elementary school. He was killed by one of the people who worked for the day care program there. The same guy had once given me a wedgie when I was in kindergarden. I had to go into the bathroom to fix my underwear. Years after this whole thing, like when I was in middle school, my dad told me that the guy had a list, a list of other kids at the school, presumably that he would kill. I was on that list.
I was going to get to some other things, but that is enough for now. Maybe I'll take a shower. That helps sometimes.
Point 1
I went to lunch with my brother, his fiance, and my grandma. It was fine and all, but there was some discussion about my grandparent's will and such. It is good to get everything in order way before it needs to be, but it is still kinda weird. Thinking about the fact that someone you love will one day, probably sooner than you realize, die and you will "benefit" from it is an odd feeling. It is really weird to think that for most of the time my dad was alive we were on the cusp of slipping into poverty, but now I don't really have to worry about money for a good long while. At least with the way I've become accustomed to spending it. This has occasionally been called "blood money" by me. I know, people out there are probably going to tell me not to think like that and to just appreciate whatever good that happened to come out of so much pain, but the brain don't work like that. This is one of those things that you really have no clue about until it hits you right in the face.
Point 2
Don't read any more into this one than what you see. Being around my brother and his fiance is good, but it does make me feel like I could be doing a lot better if I had someone right now. I know, everyone is like, "Wow, you're a strong person to have gone through what you have and still manage to be so... (insert half hearted compliment)." Turns out that "strength" is a kinda lonely thing. Right now I would really rather have some vulnerability and intimacy than strength.
Point 3
Seeing people with their parents, or talking with them, or talking about them, or relying on them at all, makes me feel really weird. I guess for me it has become the natural state of things in my mind. My parents are dead. I can't change that. I will never get a chance to be in a different situation. Thus, to me, I feel normal, and it seems like everyone else is bizarre. And yes, sometimes I feel jealous. Sometimes I feel superior. Sometimes I just want to get the Hell away from families.
Point 4
For some reason the subject of Paul Bailey was brought up today. He was a kid at Darby, my first elementary school. He was killed by one of the people who worked for the day care program there. The same guy had once given me a wedgie when I was in kindergarden. I had to go into the bathroom to fix my underwear. Years after this whole thing, like when I was in middle school, my dad told me that the guy had a list, a list of other kids at the school, presumably that he would kill. I was on that list.
I was going to get to some other things, but that is enough for now. Maybe I'll take a shower. That helps sometimes.
